It’s already been 4 weeks since you passed away.
I still cannot come to terms with that. It STILL does not feel real.
I have times I forget where you are no longer with us. I think I’ll have to tell you this, I’ll have to tell you that. Liam lost another tooth, Matthews first secondary school parents evening went fabulous. James has finished his Year 2 tests. Did you see that on the tv? Did you hear about that?
Then I remember.
This morning is the first time in 5 days I’ve got tearful and I have cried. Just a little whilst writing this and sharing a post on social media about you, but I try to be strong for the family, I try to keep going by being busy at work, by being surrounded by the others that mean so much to me in life.
It is the first time I’ve cried since your funeral last Wednesday.
I am not crying alot at all which I know you would be proud of, you’d want us to hold on to all the good memories we had, to remember you as the person you were. The person who picked us all up and made us all laugh. The person who would always say “Other people go through much much worse in life” and of course, you were always right. Those are the things that I cling to, that is why I smile everyday and carry on with life as normally as possible.
But the fact, I am not crying makes me feel guilty. I would not want you to feel I didn’t love you, or that I’m not missing you. I am. I am SO much but I know it’s not what you’d want for any of us. You lived a happy life, you wanted the same for all of us and would tell us all that “Life goes on”.
I still feel that part of me is missing. I have a constantly heavy heart. You are in my thoughts from the time I get up to the time I go to bed.
Even then, I still do NOT feel like any of this is really real and that I’m living in some sort of strange world where I know it is but it’s not sunk in to me.
Dad and bro are doing a fine job, you’d be so proud of them. Uncle B is helping Nan alot more and sadly, we are now looking into getting her a carer. I know this wouldn’t be what you wanted but you did more than your fair share in taking care of a mother with dementia and we feel she needs professional help now you are not around. Again, I feel guilty for this, I wish there was more I could do but with a family, home, job and the like, well, I know you’d understand. You did so much for her, for all of us. We’ll never forget that.
Your workmates thought the world of you. The people that turned up to say goodbye last week was breathtaking! The crematorium was full with people standing halfway down the aisles. You had a beautiful two piece eulogy from Alan and Jane, the chaplains from where you worked for over 23 years. There was the work memories and tribute and a personal tribute from me, Dad and bro. It wasn’t a bit religious apart from the Celtic blessing at the end and you’d have found it “acceptable” for a funeral. I know you hated all the ones you went to, but that was because you were such a lovely, caring, compassionate and loving person, the thought of losing those people deeply affected you.
For your birthday we bought you a rose bush and planted it in the garden in your memory. It is flowering beautifully with so many buds on it. You were always magic with plants, flowers and shrubs, I can’t help but feel you’re giving it a helping hand.
I know you loved roses and we have some in the garden already but these are special white ones for you. Complete with a drop of rain. A reminder that during bad times, beauty can bloom. People can show you how amazing they are when we are all faced with a huge loss in our lives.
None of us ever expected this.
For you to be taken so soon and without warning.
In the past 4 weeks, we have all realised just how precious life is and how it can really change in the blink of an eye.
We are all regretful that we never got to show you how much you are loved whilst you were here. I just hope you knew that. I hope you know that now, wherever you are, whatever the afterlife has given you, please know that we love you so much. You’ll always be in our hearts and that love will never fade.
Miss you Mum
Lots of Love.