The Kids (Sept 2016)

So, it’s been a while since I’ve written about the children and their school lives.

Matthew is now in Year 8, the second year of secondary school and fast approaching his 13th birthday. He enjoys Maths, Science, Cooking and PE. He is still not confident with his writing and does not enjoy English but gets through it all ok. He is back on the School football team this year as a Goalkeeper.

James is now in Year 3 of primary school. The school is now an Academy and everything I’ve seen from the changes they’ve made to the school from the staffing, the security, the building – right through to the attitude and feel of the school – has been nothing but positive so far. The school felt incredibly stale in recent months. The teachers had no passion and drive and with 4 of them leaving at the end of summer term, we were more than ready for new teachers and teaching assistants. This has made a huge impact on young James. He is now happy to go to school, he looks forward to lessons and learning every day. He runs in the door with a smile on his face and is currently enjoying his work. His new teacher is a really good influence on him, he is inspired and trying really hard. With that comes the realisation that he can do things that he always struggled with before a little bit easier than he found it before. With that comes confidence and the eagerness to try and learn more. So far, it’s all a win win situation. He’s still behind most of his classmates, still struggles with reading BUT he’s trying so hard and getting better all the time, Year 3 could really be the making of James.

Liam has recently turned 7. That means we have another 5 weeks of having two 7 year olds in the house that aren’t twins.  Liam is now in Year 2 and has the dreaded SAT tests this year to test the school, teachers and kids just where they are under government guidelines in the education tables. I think it’s too much on kids. James really struggled with these but Liam is soaring ahead at the moment. He’s on one of the top tables for Maths, Science and English but struggles with his writing just like his brothers. His reading is ahead and his spellings are pretty good. If only he would spend more time doing them then I’m sure he’d get really good marks at that too. He just sticks with the ones he knows for now and doesn’t work so hard with the learning aspect of spellings. Still, he’s only just turned 7 so I’m not going to turn all pushy parent on him just yet. He has always wanted to learn and thanks to his teacher last year he found his confidence and “happy space” a fair bit before James and has excelled since. This is why I’m hopeful James’s new teacher will take him further this year. Thankfully, Liam has the same teacher this year so I am really confident that he will continue to shine and be encouraged by what he is doing.

As the kids are getting older, I find myself looking back at the old baby photos and enjoying them as babies. I don’t get the yearning for any more.

I love my boys to bits and after the baby and toddler stages, it becomes such a joy to watch your children grow and develop mentally and emotionally. They are such real little people now with beliefs, with opinions, with ideas and dreams and it’s amazing to see them all so different from the others. They are very individual with different strengths and different interests. They really do have so much going on in their little lives that I am just proud to be part of it all.

The baby years are short, the toddler years are short, the school years – well they seem to be flying by too.

I can’t miss my “babies” when I am so in awe and adoration of the children they are right now.

They are strong, happy, compassionate, kind, sharing towards each other. Always help each other. Try to cheer one another up. Try to assist the others. And they are all the best of mates.

I really can’t ask for anything more than that.

Change of Career?

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For a while now, I’ve been wanting to do more. More than just be a waitress. Whilst I love it to an extent, it’s not what I’d call a rewarding job. It has no real future and as you get older then, it becomes that little bit less enjoyable.

For a while now I’ve been thinking of becoming a Slimming World Consultant. To 1) Help others who struggle with their weight like I have/do. and 2) To give myself a boost and something to aim higher for.

Then, one night hubby and I were watching tv about Health Foods. The benefits of natural fats, the things that are superfoods. You know the type of thing, when it hit me.

Why stop at being a Slimming consultant? Why not go the whole hog and find a new career in the NHS?

I’ve looked up a few things and I really am seriously considering going to college next September (if we’re still in Suffolk) and studying to become a full on Dietician.

It makes so much sense.

I know about the weight loss side, the diabetic side and the pregnancy and small children nutrition through alot of personal experience and if I can combine the two and work in the public offering help and guidance to those needing/wanting to lose weight or for medical needs then I feel it’s something I can really excel at and it is something I truly believe in.

This year is a little too short notice to begin the courses I need and it would mean giving up my current work to study on a 3 day course which later in the course will be upped to 5 days for placement duties.

I say “If we’re still in Suffolk” for the simple fact, that hubby has been offered a new job. Still doing what he is doing but on a bigger scale and it would mean MAJOR relocation for a minimum of 4 years. Again, I don’t want to say too much for something that may or may not happen but it is very much “Abroad”. That’s all I’m going to say on that for now. The money sounds good, the oppertunity is a once in a lifetime oppertunity but it’s him who finally has to make that decision. He’s the one who has to take on the big job and obviously as a family, we’ll support him whichever way he chooses. We’ll know more about the actual deal in October and then have a big big big decision to make that will affect the future of ourselves and kids – probably forever.

So, watch this space.

 

 

Things Are Turning Around

I’ve been deliberately AWOL on the WordPress front in recent months.

I’ve been sinking.

Sinking to a point where I almost went to my GP as I felt I wasn’t me anymore.

I’ve been on the verge of “depression”. Of course, it can be argued that a big shock like losing my mum, would bring on a spate of sadness and questioning but this went deeper.

I’ve been questioning EVERYTHING about my life.

I have spent long periods of not feeling good enough. Feeling hopeless. Feeling like a failure. I wasn’t a good enough wife. I don’t do enough as a mum. I am not good enough at my job. The whole thing spiralled. I just wasn’t happy with anything and it was all my doing.

My self pity affected my social life. I’d lost enjoyment of going out. I didn’t want to socialise at the school, go out at night. I’ve even stopped enjoying being a waitress and taken to being pissed off at customers for no reason. I’ve dropped contact with friends. I just don’t have the energy for any of that.

I don’t have the energy for me.

When all you want to do is crawl into a ball and be in bed by 9pm every night it has an adverse affect on life altogether.

Even my marriage was at stake when my hubby thought he’d done something wrong but didn’t know what. I thought he was always angry at me. That I always failed him. That nothing I did was good enough. Over weeks and months, things were hard. We didn’t talk much. I became more withdrawn and that added to more pressures for us both. We never argue but communication has been hard too. It’s hard to explain how you feel when you  know that in reality, it was all in YOUR head. How can you be happy and feel that all is good in your marriage, when YOU are the problem behind it all? That you are the weak link? That you are the one causing all the damage because you don’t feel like you anymore? Just a person that has taken to existing and getting through each day rather than embracing it and enjoying it.

I got tired of pretending all was ok and drifted to another world. Another world inside of me where nothing really mattered and if I turned off and shut it all out, then maybe tomorrow would be better. Or maybe the next day.

It never did get better.

Everything felt like it was SO much effort.

Just to put on a brave face and be “normal”.

I’ve been too down to talk about it. To my husband, to my friends. To anyone. With that inside, the world has not been a happy place for me for a while.

Over time, that cloud has lifted a little. I opened up to hubby and things have been better in the last few weeks but still need some work to get it back as we were.

I can’t just turn off feelings of feeling crap at everything I do.

I need to believe in myself again.

I’m getting there.

We recently had a family holiday and that really took the pressure off. Things are better than they have been for months and it was what I really needed.

This week, it’s my 6th wedding anniversary. Hubby and I are going away for the weekend and I am really looking forward to it. I need that time with him. He is what I need. I just don’t want to be a clingy wife. I feel like a clingy wife. I don’t want to go out without him, he’s become my strength when I don’t feel like I have much of my own any more. I need him more than ever.

I’m looking forward to the future. We have oppertunities ahead of us for 2017 that could be lifechanging in a good way.  I’ll explain more when I have more time, but THIS is a biggy!!!!!!

Whether we take those chances or remain where we are remains to be seen as we await more information but it could really be something that would test us and make us even stronger as a family.

I’ve always been a fan of change. Of taking chances, of making better choices but this is really HUGE but something I’m still open to experience and add to my list of “things achieved” in life.

For now I’m doing better. I’m letting go of the past and the chains that have been holding me back and I’m ready to go forward again.

Dear Mum,

It’s already been 4 weeks since you passed away.

I still cannot come to terms with that. It STILL does not feel real.

I have times I forget where you are no longer with us. I think I’ll have to tell you this, I’ll have to tell you that. Liam lost another tooth, Matthews first secondary school parents evening went fabulous. James has finished his Year 2 tests. Did you see that on the tv? Did you hear about that?

Then I remember.

This morning is the first time in 5 days I’ve got tearful and I have cried. Just a little whilst writing this and sharing a post on social media about you, but I try to be strong for the family, I try to keep going by being busy at work, by being surrounded by the others that mean so much to me in life.

It is the first time I’ve cried since your funeral last Wednesday.

I am not crying alot at all which I know you would be proud of, you’d want us to hold on to all the good memories we had, to remember you as the person you were. The person who picked us all up and made us all laugh. The person who would always say “Other people go through much much worse in life” and of course, you were always right.  Those are the things that I cling to, that is why I smile everyday and carry on with life as normally as possible.

But the fact, I am not crying makes me feel guilty. I would not want you to feel I didn’t love you, or that I’m not missing you. I am. I am SO much but I know it’s not what you’d want for any of us. You lived a happy life, you wanted the same for all of us and would tell us all that “Life goes on”.

I still feel that part of me is missing. I have a constantly heavy heart. You are in my thoughts from the time I get up to the time I go to bed.

Even then, I still do NOT feel like any of this is really real and that I’m living in some sort of strange world where I know it is but it’s not sunk in to me.

Dad and bro are doing a fine job, you’d be so proud of them. Uncle B is helping Nan alot more and sadly, we are now looking into getting her a carer. I know this wouldn’t be what you wanted but you did more than your fair share in taking care of a mother with dementia and we feel she needs professional help now you are not around. Again, I feel guilty for this, I wish there was more I could do but with a family, home, job and the like, well, I know you’d understand. You did so much for her, for all of us. We’ll never forget that.

Your workmates thought the world of you. The people that turned up to say goodbye last week was breathtaking! The crematorium was full with people standing halfway down the aisles. You had a beautiful two piece eulogy from Alan and Jane, the chaplains from where you worked for over 23 years.  There was the work memories and tribute and a personal tribute from me, Dad and bro. It wasn’t a bit religious apart from the Celtic blessing at the end and you’d have found it “acceptable” for a funeral. I know you hated all the ones you went to, but that was because you were such a lovely, caring, compassionate and loving person, the thought of losing those people deeply affected you.

For your birthday we bought you a rose bush and planted it in the garden in your memory. It is flowering beautifully with so many buds on it. You were always magic with plants, flowers and shrubs, I can’t help but feel you’re giving it a helping hand.

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I know you loved roses and we have some in the garden already but these are special white ones for you. Complete with a drop of rain. A reminder that during bad times, beauty can bloom. People can show you how amazing they are when we are all faced with a huge loss in our lives.

None of us ever expected this.

For you to be taken so soon and without warning.

In the past 4 weeks, we have all realised just how precious life is and how it can really change in the blink of an eye.

We are all regretful that we never got to show you how much you are loved whilst you were here. I just hope you knew that. I hope you know that now, wherever you are, whatever the afterlife has given you, please know that we love you so much. You’ll always be in our hearts and that love will never fade.

Miss you Mum

Lots of Love.

Becky x

 

Don’t Worry About Me

This is an incredibly personal song for me right now.

I’ll go into more details another time but we suddenly lost my mum last week. She just peacefully passed away in her sleep.

She was 60.

A few days later I heard this song on the radio. I’d never heard it before but it felt like a sign. I don’t know if it was a message from her to me to not worry about her and that she’d watch out for me or if it was the other round. A message for me to her to say I’ll be ok and do everything she never got the chance to do.

Either way, it meant so much to hear that at a time I needed it most.

This is my handsome eldest.

Now 12 years old and at secondary school, he has matured so much in recent months. September and the changing of schools has really made him into a young gentleman.

He has been rather unscathed with the passing of his dad and I am grateful for that. We have a good support unit behind him if he needs it and I do think (and hope for some time) that he has a good stable family behind him should he ever need it.

Today he is back at school after half term whilst James and Liam are at home with me. Hubby is currently away in Dublin on a stag do. He gets home tomorrow evening. He only went yesterday and whilst I missed him, I’ve also enjoyed my time alone with the children.

We had an amazing time when we went to Dublin for our anniversary in August. Certainly somewhere I’d love to go back. The flight was short and there was so much to do in the 4 days we stayed over. The food was wonderful and we had some lovely evenings out. We took advantage of an activity pass that allowed us entry to many local sightseeing destinations and made the most of our days visiting the famous prison, the Guinness Store House where Guinness is produced, visiting the zoo, playing mini golf. One of my favourite little trips was to the Coast.  The sea really was that green! It was a beautiful little place. I hope hubby is currently enjoying his time there this time round.

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Yesterday we had a quick trip to the park and I got some lovely pictures of the boys where my two little ones were actually smiling and not making silly faces. I guess all 3 have matured in recent weeks and months.

James has some new pets, he has his own little goldfish that he has named Goldie and Steve. Steve being named after the character in the game Minecraft. He has a real love for games and enjoys the active ones on the Wii as much as the ones where he just stares at a screen. He is also very much into Ghostbusters these days.

Liam still loves all animals and we have just signed up for National Geographic Kids magazine to be delivered to him every month. He loves it. He, like Matthew, enjoys facts and learning about the animals especially the penguins. The penguins are still his utmost favourite animal ever. There can never be enough penguins.

At school, both boys are doing really well with their reading and writing. They are doing brilliantly and I love seeing them shine and the confidence that comes from reading a book all the way through with no help. They love it, they feel clever and they are proud of themselves as they should be. Writing is a struggle, like it is for most boys, but they are getting better and getting awards for improvement at school. It’s great to see them grow in this way.

 

 

6 Months…. Really?

Whoah, you turn your back for a little while and it seems over six months have gone in the blink of an eye.

I guess that’s a good thing. I haven’t been on here moaning and whinging, it’s been good things.

Despite the lack of reporting, it’s been far from boring. So much has changed in a relatively short space of time.

It’s been the summer school holidays, half term, Christmas holidays. The boys are now on half term of the winter term.

It’s been the birthdays, Christmas. Happy times. Busy times.

We have the new kitchen.

We have 6 new additions to the family. Mario, Bowser, Koopa and Yoshi – the 4 male degu’s that Liam wanted for his birthday. Then we have Goldie and Steve – James’ new goldfish.

I have a new job working as a waitress in a very quintessential English tea shop – a place I have always wanted to work.

Hubby now runs his department at work. Since January he has been the manager of the renewable energy part of the water company he works for.

James and Liam are no longer under Special Needs assistance at school apart from occasional visits from the speech therapist.

Matthew is now at secondary school and has settled in very well and is very happy there.

We’ve had a few trips from the tooth fairy. James’ front tooth has finally come through. It has always been a concern that it wouldn’t from the time he injured his mouth/gum as a toddler.

The boys in general are growing, developing, changing, learning and becoming ever more happy and confident within themselves and their surroundings.

Friendships have changed. Work and circumstances have changed. But it’s been really good.

Health for us all at the moment remains good. I can’t ask for more than that.

I’m going to stop for now but I will be back soon as I’ve missed my blog and my 30 minutes of escape every few days.