Things Are Turning Around

I’ve been deliberately AWOL on the WordPress front in recent months.

I’ve been sinking.

Sinking to a point where I almost went to my GP as I felt I wasn’t me anymore.

I’ve been on the verge of “depression”. Of course, it can be argued that a big shock like losing my mum, would bring on a spate of sadness and questioning but this went deeper.

I’ve been questioning EVERYTHING about my life.

I have spent long periods of not feeling good enough. Feeling hopeless. Feeling like a failure. I wasn’t a good enough wife. I don’t do enough as a mum. I am not good enough at my job. The whole thing spiralled. I just wasn’t happy with anything and it was all my doing.

My self pity affected my social life. I’d lost enjoyment of going out. I didn’t want to socialise at the school, go out at night. I’ve even stopped enjoying being a waitress and taken to being pissed off at customers for no reason. I’ve dropped contact with friends. I just don’t have the energy for any of that.

I don’t have the energy for me.

When all you want to do is crawl into a ball and be in bed by 9pm every night it has an adverse affect on life altogether.

Even my marriage was at stake when my hubby thought he’d done something wrong but didn’t know what. I thought he was always angry at me. That I always failed him. That nothing I did was good enough. Over weeks and months, things were hard. We didn’t talk much. I became more withdrawn and that added to more pressures for us both. We never argue but communication has been hard too. It’s hard to explain how you feel when you  know that in reality, it was all in YOUR head. How can you be happy and feel that all is good in your marriage, when YOU are the problem behind it all? That you are the weak link? That you are the one causing all the damage because you don’t feel like you anymore? Just a person that has taken to existing and getting through each day rather than embracing it and enjoying it.

I got tired of pretending all was ok and drifted to another world. Another world inside of me where nothing really mattered and if I turned off and shut it all out, then maybe tomorrow would be better. Or maybe the next day.

It never did get better.

Everything felt like it was SO much effort.

Just to put on a brave face and be “normal”.

I’ve been too down to talk about it. To my husband, to my friends. To anyone. With that inside, the world has not been a happy place for me for a while.

Over time, that cloud has lifted a little. I opened up to hubby and things have been better in the last few weeks but still need some work to get it back as we were.

I can’t just turn off feelings of feeling crap at everything I do.

I need to believe in myself again.

I’m getting there.

We recently had a family holiday and that really took the pressure off. Things are better than they have been for months and it was what I really needed.

This week, it’s my 6th wedding anniversary. Hubby and I are going away for the weekend and I am really looking forward to it. I need that time with him. He is what I need. I just don’t want to be a clingy wife. I feel like a clingy wife. I don’t want to go out without him, he’s become my strength when I don’t feel like I have much of my own any more. I need him more than ever.

I’m looking forward to the future. We have oppertunities ahead of us for 2017 that could be lifechanging in a good way.  I’ll explain more when I have more time, but THIS is a biggy!!!!!!

Whether we take those chances or remain where we are remains to be seen as we await more information but it could really be something that would test us and make us even stronger as a family.

I’ve always been a fan of change. Of taking chances, of making better choices but this is really HUGE but something I’m still open to experience and add to my list of “things achieved” in life.

For now I’m doing better. I’m letting go of the past and the chains that have been holding me back and I’m ready to go forward again.

Dear Mum,

It’s already been 4 weeks since you passed away.

I still cannot come to terms with that. It STILL does not feel real.

I have times I forget where you are no longer with us. I think I’ll have to tell you this, I’ll have to tell you that. Liam lost another tooth, Matthews first secondary school parents evening went fabulous. James has finished his Year 2 tests. Did you see that on the tv? Did you hear about that?

Then I remember.

This morning is the first time in 5 days I’ve got tearful and I have cried. Just a little whilst writing this and sharing a post on social media about you, but I try to be strong for the family, I try to keep going by being busy at work, by being surrounded by the others that mean so much to me in life.

It is the first time I’ve cried since your funeral last Wednesday.

I am not crying alot at all which I know you would be proud of, you’d want us to hold on to all the good memories we had, to remember you as the person you were. The person who picked us all up and made us all laugh. The person who would always say “Other people go through much much worse in life” and of course, you were always right.  Those are the things that I cling to, that is why I smile everyday and carry on with life as normally as possible.

But the fact, I am not crying makes me feel guilty. I would not want you to feel I didn’t love you, or that I’m not missing you. I am. I am SO much but I know it’s not what you’d want for any of us. You lived a happy life, you wanted the same for all of us and would tell us all that “Life goes on”.

I still feel that part of me is missing. I have a constantly heavy heart. You are in my thoughts from the time I get up to the time I go to bed.

Even then, I still do NOT feel like any of this is really real and that I’m living in some sort of strange world where I know it is but it’s not sunk in to me.

Dad and bro are doing a fine job, you’d be so proud of them. Uncle B is helping Nan alot more and sadly, we are now looking into getting her a carer. I know this wouldn’t be what you wanted but you did more than your fair share in taking care of a mother with dementia and we feel she needs professional help now you are not around. Again, I feel guilty for this, I wish there was more I could do but with a family, home, job and the like, well, I know you’d understand. You did so much for her, for all of us. We’ll never forget that.

Your workmates thought the world of you. The people that turned up to say goodbye last week was breathtaking! The crematorium was full with people standing halfway down the aisles. You had a beautiful two piece eulogy from Alan and Jane, the chaplains from where you worked for over 23 years.  There was the work memories and tribute and a personal tribute from me, Dad and bro. It wasn’t a bit religious apart from the Celtic blessing at the end and you’d have found it “acceptable” for a funeral. I know you hated all the ones you went to, but that was because you were such a lovely, caring, compassionate and loving person, the thought of losing those people deeply affected you.

For your birthday we bought you a rose bush and planted it in the garden in your memory. It is flowering beautifully with so many buds on it. You were always magic with plants, flowers and shrubs, I can’t help but feel you’re giving it a helping hand.

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I know you loved roses and we have some in the garden already but these are special white ones for you. Complete with a drop of rain. A reminder that during bad times, beauty can bloom. People can show you how amazing they are when we are all faced with a huge loss in our lives.

None of us ever expected this.

For you to be taken so soon and without warning.

In the past 4 weeks, we have all realised just how precious life is and how it can really change in the blink of an eye.

We are all regretful that we never got to show you how much you are loved whilst you were here. I just hope you knew that. I hope you know that now, wherever you are, whatever the afterlife has given you, please know that we love you so much. You’ll always be in our hearts and that love will never fade.

Miss you Mum

Lots of Love.

Becky x

 

Don’t Worry About Me

This is an incredibly personal song for me right now.

I’ll go into more details another time but we suddenly lost my mum last week. She just peacefully passed away in her sleep.

She was 60.

A few days later I heard this song on the radio. I’d never heard it before but it felt like a sign. I don’t know if it was a message from her to me to not worry about her and that she’d watch out for me or if it was the other round. A message for me to her to say I’ll be ok and do everything she never got the chance to do.

Either way, it meant so much to hear that at a time I needed it most.

This is my handsome eldest.

Now 12 years old and at secondary school, he has matured so much in recent months. September and the changing of schools has really made him into a young gentleman.

He has been rather unscathed with the passing of his dad and I am grateful for that. We have a good support unit behind him if he needs it and I do think (and hope for some time) that he has a good stable family behind him should he ever need it.

Today he is back at school after half term whilst James and Liam are at home with me. Hubby is currently away in Dublin on a stag do. He gets home tomorrow evening. He only went yesterday and whilst I missed him, I’ve also enjoyed my time alone with the children.

We had an amazing time when we went to Dublin for our anniversary in August. Certainly somewhere I’d love to go back. The flight was short and there was so much to do in the 4 days we stayed over. The food was wonderful and we had some lovely evenings out. We took advantage of an activity pass that allowed us entry to many local sightseeing destinations and made the most of our days visiting the famous prison, the Guinness Store House where Guinness is produced, visiting the zoo, playing mini golf. One of my favourite little trips was to the Coast.  The sea really was that green! It was a beautiful little place. I hope hubby is currently enjoying his time there this time round.

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Yesterday we had a quick trip to the park and I got some lovely pictures of the boys where my two little ones were actually smiling and not making silly faces. I guess all 3 have matured in recent weeks and months.

James has some new pets, he has his own little goldfish that he has named Goldie and Steve. Steve being named after the character in the game Minecraft. He has a real love for games and enjoys the active ones on the Wii as much as the ones where he just stares at a screen. He is also very much into Ghostbusters these days.

Liam still loves all animals and we have just signed up for National Geographic Kids magazine to be delivered to him every month. He loves it. He, like Matthew, enjoys facts and learning about the animals especially the penguins. The penguins are still his utmost favourite animal ever. There can never be enough penguins.

At school, both boys are doing really well with their reading and writing. They are doing brilliantly and I love seeing them shine and the confidence that comes from reading a book all the way through with no help. They love it, they feel clever and they are proud of themselves as they should be. Writing is a struggle, like it is for most boys, but they are getting better and getting awards for improvement at school. It’s great to see them grow in this way.

 

 

6 Months…. Really?

Whoah, you turn your back for a little while and it seems over six months have gone in the blink of an eye.

I guess that’s a good thing. I haven’t been on here moaning and whinging, it’s been good things.

Despite the lack of reporting, it’s been far from boring. So much has changed in a relatively short space of time.

It’s been the summer school holidays, half term, Christmas holidays. The boys are now on half term of the winter term.

It’s been the birthdays, Christmas. Happy times. Busy times.

We have the new kitchen.

We have 6 new additions to the family. Mario, Bowser, Koopa and Yoshi – the 4 male degu’s that Liam wanted for his birthday. Then we have Goldie and Steve – James’ new goldfish.

I have a new job working as a waitress in a very quintessential English tea shop – a place I have always wanted to work.

Hubby now runs his department at work. Since January he has been the manager of the renewable energy part of the water company he works for.

James and Liam are no longer under Special Needs assistance at school apart from occasional visits from the speech therapist.

Matthew is now at secondary school and has settled in very well and is very happy there.

We’ve had a few trips from the tooth fairy. James’ front tooth has finally come through. It has always been a concern that it wouldn’t from the time he injured his mouth/gum as a toddler.

The boys in general are growing, developing, changing, learning and becoming ever more happy and confident within themselves and their surroundings.

Friendships have changed. Work and circumstances have changed. But it’s been really good.

Health for us all at the moment remains good. I can’t ask for more than that.

I’m going to stop for now but I will be back soon as I’ve missed my blog and my 30 minutes of escape every few days.

Life Is Good

My last couple of posts have been a little, well, ya know, thoughtful to say the least but overall, we’re good over here.

The kids are loving the school holidays, They really enjoyed their holiday in Somerset and so did hubby and I. The apartment we had was actually a two storey house. It was AMAZING inside and out. This was the view from our balcony that overlooked the lake.

IMG_20150717_150054Inside, it was tastefully decorated and very much to my liking.

IMG_20150717_144601784IMG_20150717_144625319IMG_20150717_144706941_HDRNot bad for a week away huh?

There were plenty of green spaces for the children to play. James and Liam spent afternoons taking part in kids clubs that involved a treasure hunt – Pirate themed of course and a games afternoon and a mini sports day.

IMG_20150717_145945 IMG_20150718_092012457The kids were even able to hire scooters for the break,

The weather was great, the outside pool was cooler than last year but still great fun and a lovely sight.

IMG_20150718_135545648Matthew got a once in a lifetime opportunity to train and then dance with Diversity, winners of 2011 Britain’s Got Talent. Before getting a certificate, a wrist band and a photo with the dancers.

matthew diversityThe only problem with the whole thing was that we sat through nearly 2 hours of training and dancing to the first verse and chorus Uptown Funk. That SONG is going to be the death of me. I really never want to hear it again.

The little ones got a little star struck when they met the camp mascot Billy Bear. They got a big high five each then we followed him to the funfair,

IMG_20150719_122645792IMG_20150719_122719149Before getting a picture taken at his statue.

IMG_20150719_123229461One evening we took a stroll off camp to the nearby harbour. It was a lovely walk and so serene.

IMG_20150719_193045299_HDRIMG_20150719_194755790_HDRIMG_20150719_194738737_HDR IMG_20150719_194745332Another evening hubby and I went out into the town on our own for a meal out whilst Mum in law looked after the boys. Matthew had evenings to himself. He wasn’t really interested in the shows so made friends and spent the evening playing football on the sports field. He was given a 9pm curfew and was with us at 8.55pm every evening. I was so proud of him. He took his mobile, used his alarm and showed great time management skills. I was very impressed.

Ugh, July Be Gone, You’ve Not Been The Best Month

I don’t say it often but I’m ready for this month to be over. I’m glad we’re almost at August. While we’ve been away and had a truly amazing family holiday, the remainder of the month has been rather full of sadness and questions.

In the few days before our holiday we heard that SIL had had another miscarriage. I held off saying anything until recently as they had their first miscarriage in February and sadly, this baby suffered the same fate at 17.5 weeks. He was a little boy and was named after family.

Then of course, a month ago today Matthews dad passed away though we didn’t hear about it until a week later. I eventually spoke to the coroner who confirmed he was a well known drinker with the police and was also known for being a ketamine addict. A funeral had already taken place and we are awaiting toxicology tests to find out the true cause of death. From what I’ve read, Alcohol and Ketamine is a lethal combination so, as wrong as it sounds, technically for his lifestyle his death was very much down to natural causes. Not for the majority of us, but for the way he lived, it sounds as though he may have had one dangerous cocktail too many.

I still think about it, about him, regularly.

I’m NOT in mourning. I still feel bad about that.

I am however, very very sad about the situation and realise he never was ready to change or accept help. Whether it was because he was in denial of ever having a problem or even just had that “It’ll never happen to me” attitude I’ll never know.

I feel bad we never tried to call him before his death. It had been several months.

On Fathers day he called my mum to ask why Matthew hadn’t called him to wish him a happy fathers day.Not that we ever had, but he was thinking of his boy that day. We never returned the call. 13 days later he died. I personally feel responsible for not making that call. As much as Matthew didn’t want to, I could have made him.

Not that it would have made any difference with his lifestyle. It’s just one little bit of guilt I carry.

I’ve not had the courage to tell Matthew that drugs were probably involved. He’s asking enough questions about drugs at the moment. Kids talk at school of certain kids claiming to smoke weed at age 11 is something I don’t think my child should be getting the story of but I know he’s reaching a difficult age and a new stage of life where he will not be so sheltered.

IF the toxicology report shows that drugs were involved in his dad’s death then I will be honest with him. Maybe it will scare him off drugs ever more, he knows they are bad and cause people to behave in otherwise unacceptable manners but maybe knowing someone close did actually die of drugs will strike home the dangers rather than the lure of the excitement of what may be. But that’s if the Ketamine was a factor in his dads death. If it wasn’t he doesn’t need to know,. It must be hard enough knowing your dad was an alcoholic without the added knowledge he was a drug user too.

Addiction ruins lives. It really is as simple as that.

Not just for the addict but for the people they leave behind and the questions left unanswered.The “Whys?” and the burden of someone living with the feeling that could they have done more to help? Could they have supported them better? Could they have done things differently?

In truth, deep down I know I couldn’t have done more. I had to put myself and child first when I left him.

Nine years on, he hadn’t averted from that path and I cannot and will not blame myself though the thought is always at the back of my mind. I’d have never stayed with him, taken him back AGAIN or become best friends, but I still live with the fact I turned my back on an addict. A man with problems far deeper than I’d ever been able to help him with by myself.

It’s just a sad situation which has concluded a big chapter of my life.