I’ve been deliberately AWOL on the WordPress front in recent months.
I’ve been sinking.
Sinking to a point where I almost went to my GP as I felt I wasn’t me anymore.
I’ve been on the verge of “depression”. Of course, it can be argued that a big shock like losing my mum, would bring on a spate of sadness and questioning but this went deeper.
I’ve been questioning EVERYTHING about my life.
I have spent long periods of not feeling good enough. Feeling hopeless. Feeling like a failure. I wasn’t a good enough wife. I don’t do enough as a mum. I am not good enough at my job. The whole thing spiralled. I just wasn’t happy with anything and it was all my doing.
My self pity affected my social life. I’d lost enjoyment of going out. I didn’t want to socialise at the school, go out at night. I’ve even stopped enjoying being a waitress and taken to being pissed off at customers for no reason. I’ve dropped contact with friends. I just don’t have the energy for any of that.
I don’t have the energy for me.
When all you want to do is crawl into a ball and be in bed by 9pm every night it has an adverse affect on life altogether.
Even my marriage was at stake when my hubby thought he’d done something wrong but didn’t know what. I thought he was always angry at me. That I always failed him. That nothing I did was good enough. Over weeks and months, things were hard. We didn’t talk much. I became more withdrawn and that added to more pressures for us both. We never argue but communication has been hard too. It’s hard to explain how you feel when you know that in reality, it was all in YOUR head. How can you be happy and feel that all is good in your marriage, when YOU are the problem behind it all? That you are the weak link? That you are the one causing all the damage because you don’t feel like you anymore? Just a person that has taken to existing and getting through each day rather than embracing it and enjoying it.
I got tired of pretending all was ok and drifted to another world. Another world inside of me where nothing really mattered and if I turned off and shut it all out, then maybe tomorrow would be better. Or maybe the next day.
It never did get better.
Everything felt like it was SO much effort.
Just to put on a brave face and be “normal”.
I’ve been too down to talk about it. To my husband, to my friends. To anyone. With that inside, the world has not been a happy place for me for a while.
Over time, that cloud has lifted a little. I opened up to hubby and things have been better in the last few weeks but still need some work to get it back as we were.
I can’t just turn off feelings of feeling crap at everything I do.
I need to believe in myself again.
I’m getting there.
We recently had a family holiday and that really took the pressure off. Things are better than they have been for months and it was what I really needed.
This week, it’s my 6th wedding anniversary. Hubby and I are going away for the weekend and I am really looking forward to it. I need that time with him. He is what I need. I just don’t want to be a clingy wife. I feel like a clingy wife. I don’t want to go out without him, he’s become my strength when I don’t feel like I have much of my own any more. I need him more than ever.
I’m looking forward to the future. We have oppertunities ahead of us for 2017 that could be lifechanging in a good way. I’ll explain more when I have more time, but THIS is a biggy!!!!!!
Whether we take those chances or remain where we are remains to be seen as we await more information but it could really be something that would test us and make us even stronger as a family.
I’ve always been a fan of change. Of taking chances, of making better choices but this is really HUGE but something I’m still open to experience and add to my list of “things achieved” in life.
For now I’m doing better. I’m letting go of the past and the chains that have been holding me back and I’m ready to go forward again.