I don’t say it often but I’m ready for this month to be over. I’m glad we’re almost at August. While we’ve been away and had a truly amazing family holiday, the remainder of the month has been rather full of sadness and questions.
In the few days before our holiday we heard that SIL had had another miscarriage. I held off saying anything until recently as they had their first miscarriage in February and sadly, this baby suffered the same fate at 17.5 weeks. He was a little boy and was named after family.
Then of course, a month ago today Matthews dad passed away though we didn’t hear about it until a week later. I eventually spoke to the coroner who confirmed he was a well known drinker with the police and was also known for being a ketamine addict. A funeral had already taken place and we are awaiting toxicology tests to find out the true cause of death. From what I’ve read, Alcohol and Ketamine is a lethal combination so, as wrong as it sounds, technically for his lifestyle his death was very much down to natural causes. Not for the majority of us, but for the way he lived, it sounds as though he may have had one dangerous cocktail too many.
I still think about it, about him, regularly.
I’m NOT in mourning. I still feel bad about that.
I am however, very very sad about the situation and realise he never was ready to change or accept help. Whether it was because he was in denial of ever having a problem or even just had that “It’ll never happen to me” attitude I’ll never know.
I feel bad we never tried to call him before his death. It had been several months.
On Fathers day he called my mum to ask why Matthew hadn’t called him to wish him a happy fathers day.Not that we ever had, but he was thinking of his boy that day. We never returned the call. 13 days later he died. I personally feel responsible for not making that call. As much as Matthew didn’t want to, I could have made him.
Not that it would have made any difference with his lifestyle. It’s just one little bit of guilt I carry.
I’ve not had the courage to tell Matthew that drugs were probably involved. He’s asking enough questions about drugs at the moment. Kids talk at school of certain kids claiming to smoke weed at age 11 is something I don’t think my child should be getting the story of but I know he’s reaching a difficult age and a new stage of life where he will not be so sheltered.
IF the toxicology report shows that drugs were involved in his dad’s death then I will be honest with him. Maybe it will scare him off drugs ever more, he knows they are bad and cause people to behave in otherwise unacceptable manners but maybe knowing someone close did actually die of drugs will strike home the dangers rather than the lure of the excitement of what may be. But that’s if the Ketamine was a factor in his dads death. If it wasn’t he doesn’t need to know,. It must be hard enough knowing your dad was an alcoholic without the added knowledge he was a drug user too.
Addiction ruins lives. It really is as simple as that.
Not just for the addict but for the people they leave behind and the questions left unanswered.The “Whys?” and the burden of someone living with the feeling that could they have done more to help? Could they have supported them better? Could they have done things differently?
In truth, deep down I know I couldn’t have done more. I had to put myself and child first when I left him.
Nine years on, he hadn’t averted from that path and I cannot and will not blame myself though the thought is always at the back of my mind. I’d have never stayed with him, taken him back AGAIN or become best friends, but I still live with the fact I turned my back on an addict. A man with problems far deeper than I’d ever been able to help him with by myself.
It’s just a sad situation which has concluded a big chapter of my life.