This morning, everything felt promising. We entered March with beautiful sunshine. The grass looks greener. The crocus and snowdrops in next doors garden looks bright and cheerful. The farmers field looks lush and welcoming so it’s not a bad thing to say goodbye to February.
With the exception on Valentines weekend and last weekend visiting the South Coast, February has lived up to it’s “cruel” reputation. It was the anniversary of my grandads death, my nan was in and out of hospital – nothing serious but her health is deteriorating as she’s aging and alot of it is anxiety, 2 neighbours of my nan whom I’ve known since I was a kid died, a lifetime family friend is going through all sorts of treatment after being told he had inoperable lung cancer and most upsetting of all SIL had a miscarriage.
It’s been a long few weeks for everyone.
I’ve been feeling a bit down too. With all this going on around me, you end up taking it in as family and friends suffer. I feel peoples pain. I try to remain cheery and upbeat but sometimes, it gets to me too.
I’m also feeling rather…. well… defeated in so many ways at times. No matter what I seem to do, say or TRY, I just feel that it’s never enough. I’m tired of feeling useless. Tired of trying to make other people happy, to get things done when all I feel I get in return is criticism and the feeling that I shouldn’t have bothered because it makes no difference to anyone else – I’m still the one in the wrong. I either push too much or not enough. I don’t take criticism well – I get defensive and clam up. I go back into my shell, feel lonely, secluded and don’t want to be around people for fear of the next fuck up I make for someone else to judge me.
I need praise occassionally, I’m fed up of feeling that my best isn’t good enough. I’m fed up of being made to feel small and that I don’t have feelings myself.
Of course, I’m probably over-reacting. The whole month has been rather emotionally tiring and I’ve been trying to get so much done. To keep busy. To please the husband. To please the kids. To please the family. To please the school. To please the people who give me work. I’m just a little bit lost on where I slot into it all and where pleasing others ends and pleasing myself begins. It seems never ending and it never feels like I get any of the balance right and the only person getting frazzled by it all is the one stuck in the middle of it all – Me.
Work has been a welcome escape in recent weeks. First being back at the cafe and also the continuation of the cleaning job I’ve been doing. Whilst cleaning wasn’t and would never be my main choice of work I’m enjoing it much more than I expected I would. It’s low pressure, at my own convenience and the hours I want. Everything in life from work to relationships, whether it be friendship, family or spouses to holidays come with compromise. A little thing we take for granted every day and something I feel that society is losing. It’s not the best paid job in the world, it’s not the best job in the world but I’m earning a bit of cash for myself and the family and working the hours I want to work. Compromise doesn’t have to be ALL bad, it’s making the situation work for you.
Hubby’s normally pretty good when I’m feeling rubbish. He lets me get on with it. He’s got alot going on himself with work, buying the house and so on, so I don’t tend to bother him with my whines in life. I know they will pass and it is the whole winter blues thing. I’m definitely more of a spring/summer person. That may be as we get so many breaks from school and a lot of my “social dislikes” stem from that area.
So, that’s that month over. A deep breath and move forward to a new month, new hopes and a time for renewal, readjustment and new oppertunities.